The Fourth Trimester

 Why is it that when you become pregnant friends, family, and even total strangers are so quick to offer parenting advice? All the advice, tips, and hacks that people, social media, the web, and books have to offer not one ever speaks about the fourth trimester. The fourth trimester is the period after you give birth. During my first pregnancy I spent countless hours browsing the web, reading books, and welcoming whatever piece of wisdom anyone had to offer. I had prepared for every detail. The nursery was a Pinterest dream. Bottles were washed and sanitized. Bottle drying rack had its own place on the counter. The cradle was dressed and on my side of the bed. There were baskets with diapers, wipes, and diaper rash cream in every room. The pack and play was set up in the living room, because that's where we'd be spending most of our time. The car seat bases were installed in both our cars. And finally everyone's bags were packed and ready to go for our hospital stay. 

On Wednesday, September 21, 2021 at 6:18am our son arrived and I was in a dream. I was in a complete state of euphoria. I had never experienced anything like it. That feeling quickly went away when a nurse helped me into the bathroom so I could pee, and help me clean up. The amount of blood that was coming out of me was like having a miscarriage all over again. When I looked down at my stomach I was not prepared to see how low it hanged and flabby it was. I knew it wasn't going to be firm, yet I was still so shocked at how it looked. The coloration on my abdomen was dark, almost a greyish tint, for months after I gave birth. I was so disgusted with myself. With the way I looked and felt in my own skin. I refused to allow my husband to see me naked. It was three month before we were intimate and had sexual intercourse. He didn't care about how I looked. He found me beautiful. Even more after watching me give birth to our son, but I couldn't help but feel embarrassed of my new mom body. How did I go from feeling like a Goddess while carrying my son to complete disgust? The only way I felt comfortable was wearing yoga pants or work out clothes, because it held my stomach together.

Fourteen months later I hadn't lost all the baby weight, but I was content with the way I looked. That's when I became pregnant again. This time it was twins! My pregnancy went well with no complications, except I delivered them 8 weeks early. Which resulted in an 18 day stay in the NICU to help them breathe on their own and learn to feed on a bottle instead of a feeding tube. This time around I decided to pump and bottle feed my milk instead of using formula. Everyone said that the weight would just melt off by breastfeeding or pumping. Yes initially I was back into my pre baby jeans. I was skinnier than before I got pregnant with my first! However, once we brought the boys home reality set in. I was not nourishing my body. I substituted water for coffee and ate whatever was there. I had no time to cook so we ordered out almost everyday, and I just ate snacks to keep me going. Combine that with the couple of hours of sleep we got every night and you've got the perfect recipe for weight gain. In a matter of 6 months I had easily gained 30lbs. Ten pounds heavier than when I delivered the twins.

The weight gain, low self esteem, and sleep deprivation helped play a part in me developing postpartum depression and adjustment disorder. I am not going to go into detail about my postpartum depression in this post. That will be its own separate topic that I'll discuss later. However, I do want to mention that this is another one of those things that isn't really discussed openly. When you give birth and at your six week check-up its quickly brought up, and then they continue on with the appointment. Unfortunately, I don't think postpartum depression presents itself in the first 6 weeks for a lot people. I think they refer to it as the baby blues at that point. So once you've had the 6 week appointment when is the next time you go see the doctor again? Does your partner even know what that is and what signs to look for? If you don't catch it soon it can lead to a dark, lonely, spiral of depression. And you don't know why you are feeling this way when its supposed to be such a joyous time in your life.

Everyone focuses on the baby, and how to care for the new bundle of joy. However, don't forget to care about yourself too. Self care is crucial in order for you to care for your family. Your post partum body will eventually go back to normal or close to it. With time and a little bit of work you'll get there. Just don't be too hard on yourself, remember that you grew life inside of you for 9 months. Of course your body is going to change. I just wish someone had this conversation with me when I was pregnant. Maybe I could have saved myself many tears and wouldn't have been so hard on myself. When it comes to your mental health do not wait and seek help immediately. I find that in this day in age its still a taboo subject. If more women were more open to share their experiences we could educate ourselves and loved ones on what to look for and how to help. Mothers are at the core of the family and its vital for her to be healthy so that the show runs smoothly. 

Feeling so sexy at eight months pregnant with my baby shower with my first.

Before and after picture. Picture on the left is 8 months after having the twins. Heaviest I've ever been in my life. The image that pushed me to lose change my lifestyle at the time. Picture on the right is 50lbs lighter and getting treatment for m y postpartum depression

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Pregnant with my fourth and feeling like a Goddess! I've never felt more sexier than when I'm pregnant.

Two weeks postpartum with Juliannna. Fitting right back into my short .

This picture was taken 3 weeks ago. I'm heavier than I'd like, but for now I'm enjoying being a mom. When I'm ready I know I can get back down to where I was two years ago.