Public Spectacle

If you ask me what's my unpopular opinion on motherhood it is to normalize breastfeeding in public. 

I've done it all with my four kids. Formula fed my first. Pumped and supplemented with formula with the twins. It wasn't until Julianna that I was successful with breastfeeding. My goal was to do it until I went back to work. Once I met that goal I had hoped to do it until she was six months old. I surpassed that goal and made it until she was eight months old. 

The number one reason I chose to breastfeed her was to save on the cost of formula. I chose to be out of work for 16 weeks unpaid. In order to support our family on one income we needed to find ways to save money. With my first we spent $200 a month on formula. There was no way we could swing that this time around. 

I was determined to get her to latch on and not quit after 12 hours like I did with little Bobby. I knew I could produce milk, because I pumped for two months when I had the twins. I was ready to do the same with Julianna, but really wanted her to latch on my breast. Once she was born and we were in the recovery room the nurse wanted me to try and breastfeed her. Its as if Julianna knew what she was doing and latched right on. I couldn't believe how easily she took to it.   

After two days we were doing so well with breastfeeding that most of the nurses assumed I had breastfed all my kids. I think part of the success we had was due to her being a pandemic baby. We weren't allowed any visitors the four days we were in the hospital so it was just her and I. I had her all to myself  and really focused on breastfeeding her, making sure I was comfortable and that it felt natural, as well as making sure she was latched on properly.  It was not this easy with little Bobby. I remember just being so stressed out. Between not feeling comfortable in any position I held him in, and not wanting to make my visitors wait too long outside the room while I fed him I was completely overwhelmed.

 The bond I shared with her was so beautiful and different from my boys. The fact that my body could produce food was mind blowing and I was in pure bliss. My husband was in awe of what a women's body could do. Bring life into this world and produce the nutrients it needs to keep it alive.  I wish everybody else could share his sentiment. We are far from being wholesome, all organic, earthy crunchy folk. However, we can recognize and appreciate the beauty in mother nature. A woman's body just like every other mammal on the planet is designed to produce milk. Somehow the human species is uncomfortable with seeing mother nature in action within their own kind. 

We didn't leave the house much the summer Julianna was born, but when we did I felt like it was a spectacle when it was time to feed her. I always tried to be discreet when breastfeeding in public by covering myself with a blanket. However, as we were both still learning it created more work for the baby and I. I felt like I couldn't get her to latch on properly, because I was having a hard time pulling my boob out of my shirt without flashing anyone. Then I would constantly pull the blanket back a little to readjust her head. All this work to not make anyone uncomfortable with my exposed areola and nipple. Usually on the second feeding I'd find an empty room inside to feed her.  

I was once told "You can go in my room with the AC so that you are more comfortable". It seemed like a genuine offer, but deep down I couldn't help but feel like it wasn't about me but more about others being comfortable. Another time I was pumping in the living room of my own home and someone else said "You are going to cover  up when my husband walks in right?" First off I have a blanket in my hand ready to go. And secondly if you have a problem with what's going on in MY home don't come visit! At some point I got fed up with people's comments and catering to everyone else's feeling that I would just pop my boob out. Especially because when I'd cover up with a blanket Julianna would rip it off her head. This whole "act" was for her. I wasn't going to make her sweat her ass off under a blanket, because people didn't want to see a boob. Even when I said fuck it, I had someone come up to me and try to help me cover up as I fed her. She must have thought she was doing me a favor by helping me. 

I finally had it with other people's comments, thoughts, and feelings when it came to breastfeeding my child a few month back. I was sitting on the couch nursing Julianna and watching Tick Tock videos on my phone. I stumbled upon a video where a woman was dancing to the song "La Vaca". Thats when I got the idea to record myself breastfeeding with this song playing. I thought it would be funny, because the song says "La vaca, ¡mu! La misma vaca. Tengo una vaca lechera, una vaca de verdad". It translates to "The cow, moo! I have a dairy cow, a real cow." It was so fitting! That's how I felt at times when I pumped, and my husband would often joke and say that I was like a cow producing all this milk. I went for it and made the video. I sent it to my sister and my mother, and they thought it was hilarious. I got positive feedback from my family so I went ahead and posted it on Tick Tock. 

Well of course a few weeks later this video went viral at my old work place. My husband called me saying that his friend was receiving messages from different people about my boob being on Tick Tock. He was pretty upset about it because the men we worked with didn't see it for what it was. They were sharing this video amongst each other where my areola was exposed. "Jessie they don't care that you are nursing the baby, all they see is a Tit!". Out of respect for my husband I took the video down.

 I later learned from another coworker that I was all anyone could talk about. "One guy kept watching the video getting a hard on for me. And the women said "Why would she do that?". My response to it all is GROW THE FUCK UP! Something is seriously wrong with you that you completely disregarded my child in that video and can get aroused by the top of my boob and partial areola. And to the women stop being such prudes. None of this is sexual or meant to be sexual. 

To an extent I can understand why people may feel uncomfortable with seeing a woman breastfeeding, because I felt that way once. Before the twins I was never against breastfeeding in public, but I also hadn't witnessed it for myself. The first time was when we went to visit our friends a few months after we had both given birth. I was pumping at the time, and she was breastfeeding. We were all sitting in her living room when suddenly she just popped her boob out and began breastfeeding her baby. My husband saw a whole boob. Nipple and all. At first I sat there taken aback at the fact that my husband just saw our friend's breast. I thought to myself "Is this really happening right now?" But he played it so cool that it put me at ease. I had to remind myself that non of this was a sexual act; she was just feeding her baby. After that I was fine and never had a problem with it again. 

When I recorded the video I was showing myself being a mother in the most natural form. Before formula was created and bottles invented this is how human babies ate. Women's breast were not created for sexual pleasures. Their purpose is to produce milk and sustain life! I am not going to be shamed, because society has oversexualized the female body. We are more than a sexual object for men. This body created life, carried four children, pushed them out, and nurtured them. I will be damned if I ever let anyone make me feel bad about myself. This whole journey has taught me to do what is right for me and my family. To stop worrying about what other people think and their feelings about ME. If you are so uncomfortable with a woman feeding her child simply turn away, walk away, or scroll past the video.