When I was in my early 20’s before meeting my husband, I had decided that I did not ever want to have children. I was young, beautiful, driven, and independent. I was selfish and was more than ok with it. I wanted to work hard and play harder. I was focused on making money, spending it on myself, and indulging in life’s finest pleasures. I wanted to eat, drink, travel, and meet new people. It was all about me and what made me happy.
Then I met a guy (my husband) who I fell for very quickly. After dating for a year my perspective on having a family had changed. I knew I wanted to have kids someday, just not now. I wanted to enjoy my life before taking on such a huge responsibility. We were together for almost two years when I got pregnant for the first time. I wasn’t on birth control, but we used a condom every single time to prevent a pregnancy. The one time time we were careless I got pregnant. Abortion was never a question, so we embraced the news. At 7 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage. I took the loss much more harder than I ever expected. All it took was three weeks knowing I was pregnant for me to know that I wanted to be a mom NOW.
Fast forward to a year and a half later and I finally gave birth to our son! I was is in a dream when I had him. I knew I was meant to be a mother, I was meant to be his mother. My life changed, but not significantly. My day to day routine didn’t change much. Getting out the door took a little longer, because I had to dress and feed him first. Overall I was still able to do the things that I wanted to do. My life didn't have to change because I had a child now. I took him shopping with me, out to restaurants, hung out with family and friends. He even went on vacation with us when he was seven months old. If there was ever something I wanted to do on my own all I had to do was call my mom or my in-laws to take him. This motherhood thing was cake!
When my oldest was 15 months old I found out I was pregnant again with twins. You want to talk about life altering events? Try having three children under the age of three. My life no longer belonged to me. I felt like I was a slave to my children. I could no longer just get little Bobby and myself ready, get in the car and do as I pleased. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I was sleep deprived, I changed diapers and fed three humans around the clock. I would go all day without a shower. I was usually in my pajamas and covered in spit up. My hair was always a mess. It would typically be in a ponytail or a bun from the day before with the hair in the front sticking up, because I hadn’t brushed it that day.
I barely spoke to anyone anymore. Friends and family didn't call to check up on me. I didn't get invited to places anymore. If groceries needed to be picked up or an errand needed be ran, my husband would beat me out the door to get it done. I did not get a break from the kids. He thought he was doing me a favor, that it would be easier if he just went since I'd have to shower and get ready for the day. Not realizing that while he got a breather from the kids I was sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole of depression and anger.
My mother lived with us at the time, but she was never home. Initially she told me that when she got off work she didn’t come home right away, because she wanted to give Bobby and I our space with the babies. When he returned to work after two months the excuse was “Oh I didn’t know Bobby was working today. I would have been home hours ago to help you.” Eventually there was no excuse, and she just came home to sleep. Even though I had another adult living in my home with me I was doing it alone.
When I was getting ready to go back to work I changed my shift from 3x11 to late nights. My husband and I couldn’t be on the same shift anymore. Before the twins my mom would watch my son on Fridays while we were at work, and my in-laws would take him Saturdays. Once the twins were here everybody made it clear that it was too much work and they would not watch all three. Even when we asked for a sitter one to two times a month my mother-in-law's famous line to my husband would be "I already raised my children."
My mother wasn’t any better. The things my mother has said to me still shocks me to this day. One day once I had gone back to work, one of the twins was really fussy and I was upset that I couldn't get him to stop crying. I was exhausted and visibly overwhelmed. Instead of my mom being supportive, and giving me a hand she said “I had three little kids and I did it it alone no problem.” I lashed back at her with “You did not work a job and were home full time with us. You also did not have two babies the same exact age”. It was easy for her to critique me since she hadn't actually watched them. That was until one day when she agreed to watch my kids so I could get my hair done. While I was sitting in the chair with foils in my hair she called me crying asking me when I’d be home. She couldn’t handle it and was “too old”.
Where the hell was my village?
Is it too much to want to browse through Target or Home Goods uninterrupted with a caramel Macchiato in hand? I just want to get in the car to run an errand without it being a big ordeal. I hate being limited to one day a week, maybe two days, for hair or nail appointments (Any self care for that matter). I can't do things on a whim anymore. I can't commit to dinner with a friend without making sure I've secured a sitter first. I don't have time to read a book. In the summer time I long to lay on the beach and fall asleep as I listen to the waves. I want to go to a family gathering and actually enjoy other peoples company and conversation. I didn't realize some of the things I never gave a second thought to would be nearly impossible to do once I had multiple children. I really took for granted the freedom I had when it was just me who I had to take care of.
I think for the first two years of the twins' life I went through the five stages of grief. I grieved losing the woman I was. I grieved the life I once had. I grieved the the freedom I had before becoming a mother. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I mostly went back and forth between anger and depression. I was angry with my family for not being more of a support system. I came to resent them for not wanting to help. I even resented my kids at times. In my mind they were the reason my life was taken from me. These feelings led to depression. I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder and postpartum depression. I went back to feeling anger, because no one in our family realized what I was going through.
I've recently entered the final stage of acceptance. I accept that this is my life now. Although my family doesn’t take the kids every week, they do help as much as they can. I’ve learned to appreciate and be grateful for the days they do take the kids for the night. Out of everyone my mother in law has helped us the most. She took my oldest a lot after I had the twins. It gave me a break so I had one less baby to worry about. She has taken all three of them when they were sick so that we wouldn't have to call out of work. She has even cancelled plans when I've been forced to stay at work. Even though I was mad at her for my own selfish reasons I’ll always be eternally grateful for her and her husband. The older the kids get, the easier they get, and the more willing people are to babysit. If part of my freedom means splitting the kids up by sending two with one grandparent and two with another then so be it.
Work has been an outlet for me and has helped keep me from completely losing it. Going to work offers me an escape from my reality at home. Talking to people other than my children and not having kid shows playing in the background is so refreshing. During those eight or 16 hours I feel like myself again. I can think clearly and not be in autopilot mode. I don't have to censor myself, I can speak freely, and laugh and joke with my co-workers. When I'm at work I'm reminded that funny, adventurous, and spontaneous girl is still in there.
Everything my husband and I do is for our children. Our day to day revolves around them. Our days off together revolve around them. Day trips and vacations are planned for them. Even working overtime is for them, because I’m usually working to pay for something I want to get them. Watching them grow, teaching them new things, and experiencing life with them is all I want to do. I love watching their faces light up with happiness. I love how their eyes are full of wonder as they explore the world around them. I don’t want to ever miss a thing.
The universe blessed me with four children. I am honored to be given the responsibility of taken care of four others lives other than my own. They’ve made me a better woman. Because of them I am more patient, more caring, more understanding, and compassionate. Life is about inner growth and constantly evolving. Since becoming a mother all the changes in my life and within myself have been for the better. I love being a mom, but I miss her (me).
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